Why I’ve Always Been Afraid to Blog
I want my words to change the world. I want my ideas to spread like wildfire and touch peoples’ hearts like all the inspirational minds have before.
As an English major, however, I realize that someone can, and will, always change my words to end up meaning the opposite of what I originally intended UNLESS I write my ideas clear enough, with enough logic and pathos (how I make you, as an audience, feel). When I get Bs or Cs on my essays, then, I ask myself how I can write for the world when I can’t make one person happy? Naturally, I get discouraged and allow all my ideas to evolve, but then suppress them because I’m afraid of what others might think. It’s the fine line of being the pretty girl who charms those around her, and the nerd who just wants to talk about how she feels and what she believes about people and relationships and love. It’s a challenge reconciling the two, but I realize it’s what makes me different.
This is why only a few people know my actual identity – It scares me to think that someone might disagree with me so strongly that they realize they don’t want someone like me in his/her life. I’ve always been an extrovert, but as I’ve grown, I’ve realized that, most of the time, people are intimated by someone who knows so strongly who she is and what she stands for. I like to be liked, so I try my best not to look like I’ll be a bitch when people first see me – I’m tall, thin, and blonde. I have the media singling out my body type, and people don’t really care for the media. I don’t really care for the media.
Someone told me the other day that I thrive in situations where I’m the center of attention. I denied it vehemently at first, but it’s true. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I’m the youngest of four kids, and I’m the only girl. I grew up hearing “Hi, princess” and now my boyfriend treats me like one. I play and sing at my parish church on the weekends, so all eyes are on me for guidance. I’m also a children’s choir director at the parochial school I teach music at. I adore it when I feel that people accept me and support me, in whatever it is I”m doing. I love feeling that I’m touching a lot of lives at once because I know, at the moment, I mattered. In those moments, I feel worth it – like I’m a good human being who is able to offer a lot to the world. I feel purpose.
When someone disagrees with me, then, I put up my defenses and pray I’m resilient enough to get over it. In many cases, I am. But it’s the fear of being told “You’re wrong” to something I believe wholeheartedly to be good and right that’s prevented me from blogging on a regular basis.
I’ve come to terms that, if YOU want to be in my life – and hear what I have to say – you are most welcome. Seriously. If you so choose, you can click the orange envelope on the right side of the screen and subscribe to receive my words as they come through my fingertips. If you don’t care for what I have to say, it’s easy to unsubscribe and move on with our lives. Please don’t get me wrong: if you disagree with something -anything- you are always allowed to comment. It’ll be a good resiliency practice and as much as I hate to admit it, I love opposing viewpoints that make me stop and think. It helps me grow.
I want to be a best-selling author one day, you know? I want my words to melt into people’s hearts and stay there, solidifying the good that’s in them and make them a little better than they were the day before. I want to do that.
And I’ve realized I can’t do that if I’m being silent.
So here I am.
